Success
almost always requires putting yourself into new situations. To further your
career, you must take new jobs, join new organizations, transfer to new office
locations, and meet and build relationships with new customers, suppliers, and
industry peers.
Executives
get a lot of advice about how to manage such scenarios: A new hire should
negotiate his goals and responsibilities up front. A newly promoted leader must
build credibility and influence with early wins. A relocated expatriate should
study her new country and its culture. Novice conference attendees hoping to do
some networking should arrive with a list of target contacts in mind.
All of those
are good practices. But in 20-odd years of studying, teaching, and counseling
executives and MBA students, I’ve found that the challenge many of us face in
new situations is much more fundamental. Surprisingly large numbers of
professionals do less than their best because they haven’t mastered three basic
yet critical getting-to-know-you skills: introducing themselves, remembering
people’s names, and asking questions.
Through
interviews, surveys, and studies with hundreds of people, I’ve found that the
anxiety most of us feel in new situations is rooted in these three activities.
In the heat of the moment, we simply aren’t confident or comfortable enough to
perform them well. We know we need to connect with coworkers at the office and
strangers at industry events, but we hesitate to approach unfamiliar people—and
instead hope others will come to us. We recognize that people are impressed if
we remember their names—but still find ourselves forgetting, feeling awkward,
and then avoiding conversation. We realize that others have information we
need, but we’re reluctant to bother bosses or peers with questions about things
they might expect us to know already. And it’s not just shy introverts who
suffer; even extroverts tell me they’re frequently uncomfortable introducing
themselves or asking questions, and more than 80% of people I’ve interviewed
admit they’re bad at recalling names.
Some
discomfort is only natural. For most of human history, caution in new
situations and around unfamiliar people was an advantage. Throughout childhood,
we’re told to avoid strangers and ask questions only after raising a hand. We’re
given little formal guidance on how to approach contacts, make introductions,
and remember names. And yet, by the time we’re adults, it’s assumed that we’re
experts at these basic skills.
In Practice: “It’s Up to Me to Take the Initiative”
Arthur, a new
engineer at an internet start-up, initially shied away from introducing himself
to his busy coworkers in his first week on the job. He was frustrated that so
few of them had reached out to him. But, recognizing that he couldn’t succeed
without getting to know his peers, he finally decided to put himself out there.
He rehearsed opening lines, then walked around the office looking for
colleagues who seemed interruptible. After saying hello, he introduced himself,
described his role, and asked about their work.
The
experiment was a success. “I approached several other design engineers, and
they all dropped their work and shifted attention to me,” he later wrote in his
journal. “The lesson is that it’s up to me to take the initiative instead of
waiting in my cubicle and feeling disappointed about others’ inactivity.”
With
newfound confidence, he subsequently approached the CEO and other senior
managers and ultimately developed a productive mentee-mentor relationship with
the VP of engineering.
My research
indicates that we’re not. Fortunately, however, it’s fairly easy to improve at
them. Some of the following advice may seem familiar, but I’ve been told by
executives at high levels—company presidents, entrepreneurs, and consulting
partners—that they’ve benefited from it. If you’re proactive and take steps to
train yourself in the techniques offered here, you can set yourself up for
success.
Introducing Yourself
A few years
ago Columbia professors Paul Ingram and Michael Morris used a clever experiment
to show that even seasoned businesspeople are reluctant to introduce
themselves. They organized a networking event and, prior to it, asked attendees
both what they hoped to achieve from it and whom on the attendee list they
already knew. More than 95% said that their goal was to meet new people. At the
event, everyone wore a special badge that tracked who talked to whom. The
researchers found that despite their stated intentions, most of the executives
spent the majority of their time with attendees they already knew and met new
people only if they had acquaintances in common.
In my
interviews I’ve heard three reasons why people hesitate to approach others:
They worry about interrupting or bothering people, fear making mistakes during
an introduction, or dread the possibility of rejection. But it’s important to
push through those feelings. If introductions don’t happen at a networking
event, you miss out on opportunities. If they don’t happen at the office, you
fall into a pattern of awkward smiles, nods, and waves and never forge critical
relationships.
How do you
get better at introducing yourself?
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
If the roles
were reversed and that individual came up to you, how would you feel? If you’d
be open to an introduction, expect that he would be too, and go for it. Don’t
assume that senior executives have little interest in meeting people further
down in the organization.
Practice your opening lines.
While all
introductions are unique, the name exchange, handshake, and ensuing small talk
usually follow common patterns. Create some opening lines and try them out.
Write down, rehearse, and experiment with what you will tell others about
yourself. Note what sustains interest and what causes other people’s eyes to
glaze over. Then edit your approach accordingly.
Make the other person feel heard, valued, and
respected.
Great first
impressions rarely hinge on what you reveal about yourself; what matters is how
you make your counterpart feel. Ask her about herself and her job, listen intently,
show interest, and be energetic.
Write things down.
Don’t trust
your memory. As soon as you can, write down everything you have learned about
the person’s background and interests. When you know you’re going to meet
again, review your notes.
Remembering Names
When I ask
students in my executive education and MBA classes if they easily learn and
recall people’s names, typically fewer than 10% of them raise their hands. You
might think you’re particularly forgetful, but many of us forget names within
seconds of hearing them.
Why?
Neuroscientists have shown that we actually process and store proper names
differently from other things we learn about people, such as their faces,
roles, and life histories. Initially, the neural connection between what we
know about people and their names tends to be very weak, so when we meet them
again we blank on the latter.
In Practice: Seven Times Better at Name Recall
Doug, a
senior manager at a financial services firm, used to be “pathetic” at
remembering names. “It would be in one ear and out the other,” he explains.
This became a big liability when he moved from managing operations to managing
sales. “I was building a relationship with a potential client and over several
months met him at networking events, even a few times for dinner and drinks. I
thought his name was Jason and called him that multiple times. Only later did a
colleague pull me aside and tell me that his name was Mark. I was horrified. I
apologized, and he was nice about it, but for months I was gun-shy about saying
people’s names.”
However,
once Doug committed to paying attention to names and began repeating and
reviewing them and associating them with mental images, his recall began to
improve. “Before, I’d probably remember only 10% of names. Now I remember 75%
or more.”
Today he’s
much more confident of his ability to recall names. In fact, a few months ago
he saved the day for a former boss and mentor during an unexpected encounter
with a potential business partner, whom both men had met at a networking event.
After a few minutes of small talk, the other person excused himself to visit
the restroom. Doug’s mentor turned to him in a panic and said, “For the life of
me, I can’t remember his name.” Doug not only was able to recall it but could also
provide a few more facts about the man so that, when he returned, the
conversation was much more successful.
The problem
isn’t in forgetting a name; it’s what we do when we suddenly come up blank. We
might avoid the person, fake familiarity with a “Hey, man,” or awkwardly try to
get the person to reintroduce himself. According to a survey by the British
gaming company Ladbrokes, the embarrassing moment we fear most is forgetting
the name of someone we’re introducing.
Although
this is a widespread and understandable problem, it’s also one executives must
overcome. People feel more warmly toward those who remember crucial information
about them, including their names, and that amity can serve as a springboard to
fruitful conversations and deeper trust. Taking these steps can help:
Commit to paying attention.
Often we
blank on names because we aren’t focusing on them when we first hear them. Our
minds are preoccupied with the handshake, what we’ll say next, or other random
thoughts. Every time you meet someone new, remind yourself to pay attention to
his or her name.
Repeat the name, and test your recall during the
conversation.
Saying a
name out loud right after you hear it helps lodge it in your short-term memory,
and mentally testing your recall, even as you’re in the midst of the
introduction, helps reinforce the neural pathways. If you still forget the
name, you can ask for it again before you part ways.
Write it down.
As with
other key details about people, the best thing you can do to ensure recall is to
record their names as soon as possible in a place you can access later (a
notebook, phone, or computer). Research has shown that writing or typing a name
improves retention.
Study and retest your recall.
Find time to
review the names you’ve written down and try to call up the faces of those
people and their personal information. Walk around the office (or look at
coworkers’ pictures) and in your mind go through the names of those you see.
Use vivid imagery.
Because we
remember the things we know about people better than names, it helps to
associate a person with a mental picture that provides a clue to his or her
name. Imagine Phillip Carmichael trying to fill a car with all the Michaels you
know. When talking to Gayle, focus on her glasses, since that word starts with
the same first letter as her name. Combine these techniques with frequent tests
of recall, and eventually you won’t need the imagery to trigger your memory.
Use cheat sheets.
You can’t
plan for unexpected encounters, but meetings and events are a different story.
Find out which people are attending, and review their names in advance.
Research has shown that this gets names back into your short-term memory and
significantly increases the chance you’ll retrieve them when you need to.
Asking Questions
According to
several studies, including those by Elizabeth Morrison at New York University,
the more questions new employees ask and the more help they seek, the better
they perform. Research shows that question askers are also more satisfied in
new jobs and more committed to new organizations. But when interviewed about
what in hindsight they got wrong in starting a new role, executives most
commonly say, “I didn’t ask enough questions.”
The
difficulty is in overcoming biases against social risk and lifelong habits.
Consider the
story of one computer programmer I spoke with. A few weeks into a new job, he
discovered that his first project would require him to combine two large
segments of computer code. Rather than asking his cubicle neighbors how he
might accomplish that task, he dove in and spent two weeks working alone to
complete it. After he was done, he found out that his company had months
earlier purchased a software tool that could have done the job in minutes.
Why are we
loath to ask questions? As with introductions, some of us are uncomfortable
interrupting busy coworkers. Others find it hard to admit that they don’t know
something or can’t figure it out. Our egos keep us from reaching out to the
experienced people that can much more easily solve our problems.
In Practice: A New Attitude Toward Inquiry
Sarah, an
engineering project manager who graduated from a prestigious university, admits
that she was “terrified” of asking questions when she first started working at
a fast-growing technology company. “I was afraid I would seem dumb,” she
explains. As a result, she found herself wasting a great deal of time. “I was
trying to learn what someone could have told me in a few minutes.”
When she was
assigned to her first project, she really wanted to ask the founder and CEO of
the company about its history and strategy. But for weeks she hesitated,
thinking, “I can’t. He’s out-of-control busy.”
When she
finally mustered the courage, his response couldn’t have been more positive.
“He said, ‘Of course—I can’t believe I didn’t do this earlier,’ and dragged me
into a room, so excited to talk to me,” Sarah recalls. “I was kicking myself
for not asking earlier.”
After that,
it became much easier for her to approach not only the CEO but other senior
managers with questions. Her career at that firm was successful and,
capitalizing on her new attitude toward inquiry, she eventually became the
chief technology officer of a major corporation.
How can you
get better at asking questions? Here are a few ideas:
Consider what you want and why.
Do you need
information, advice, feedback, assistance, or permission? Are you asking for a
few minutes of time or something more? The clearer you can be about what you
want, the easier it will be to ask.
Determine whom to ask and if the time is right.
Given your
question, who is most knowledgeable, available, and approachable? Can you catch
that person alone at her desk, after a meeting, or during lunch? One trick is
to ask people during introductions if you can contact them later for advice.
Then you have them on record with a commitment to help you. And sometimes
changing your question from “Do you know how to…” to “Who might explain how
to…” makes it less intrusive to the person being asked.
Ask short, to-the-point questions.
Avoid multipart
questions that are hard to understand, much less answer. Instead of saying,
“Hey, I’m not sure what to do with this report, and what goes where, and do we
have to distribute this to both sales and marketing?” it’s better to ask, “Can
you show me how to format this report? Five minutes of your time, and I’ll be
good to go.” Once someone has helped you with formatting, your next question
can be about distribution strategies.
Say thank you and close the loop.
Don’t
underestimate the power of gratitude. Researchers Adam Grant and Francesca Gino
have shown that expressing appreciation makes other people feel valued and
predisposes them to help you the next time.
Cultivate a buddy.
Many
newcomers discover that finding a colleague who’ll agree to be their initial
“go-to” person makes it much easier to ask questions. Often this person is not
a highly experienced veteran but someone who still remembers what it’s like to
be new.
For most of
the executives and students I coach, the difficulty isn’t in understanding how
to introduce themselves, ask questions, or recall names. It is in fighting
natural biases against social risk and changing lifelong habits. Real progress
comes only through mindful reflection and practice. Be patient but committed,
and remember that as you become more confident with introductions, names, and
questions, you’ll set yourself up to be more proactive and effective at all the
other skills required to be a successful newcomer at any event, office, or
organization.
Sumber: Havard Biz Review
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